we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
