i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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