I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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