also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
