I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
