you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
