Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
