I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
