i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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