Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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