Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
