Can i not drive my cunt home
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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