Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
