I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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