So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
