I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
