u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
