Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
