went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
it hurts more in the daytime
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
