my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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