I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
