I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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