At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
