no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
