you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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