last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
