I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
