honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Sober January is a disaster.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
