I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
