Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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