I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Randomize
