Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
