just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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