If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
