Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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