How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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