what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
