Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
