I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I would fuck him just for his dog
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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