Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize