you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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