As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just had sex on a roof
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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