So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
