I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
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