we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
