I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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