When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
