I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
