fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
