her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
