Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
