I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize