There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
