Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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