Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
