i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
