Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
