Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
