...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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