I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
